Friday, September 23, 2011

She's One Smart Cookie, That Tina Fey

“First, Lord: No tattoos. May neither Chinese symbol for truth nor Winnie-the-Pooh holding the FSU (or in our case, U of U) logo stain her tender haunches. May she be Beautiful but not Damaged, for it’s the Damage that draws the creepy soccer coach’s eye, not the Beauty. When the Crystal Meth is offered, may she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half. Guide her, protect her when crossing the street, stepping onto boats, swimming in the ocean, swimming in pools, walking near pools, standing on the subway platform, crossing 86th Street, stepping off of boats, using mall restrooms, getting on and off escalators, driving on country roads while arguing, leaning on large windows, walking in parking lots, riding Ferris wheels, roller-coasters, log flumes, or anything called “Hell Drop,” “Tower of Torture,” or “The Death Spiral Rock ‘N Zero G Roll featuring Aerosmith,” and standing on any kind of balcony ever, anywhere, at any age. Lead her away from Acting, but not all the way to Finance. Something where she can make her own hours but still feel intellectually fulfilled and get outside sometimes and only have to wear high heels if she wants to. What would that be, Lord? Architecture? Midwifery? Golf course design? I’m asking You, because if I knew, I’d be doing it. May she play the Drums to the fiery rhythm of her Own Heart with the sinewy strength of her Own Arms, so she need Not Lie With Drummers. Grant her a Rough Patch from twelve to seventeen. Let her draw horses and be interested in Barbies for much too long, For childhood is short – a Tiger Flower blooming Magenta for one day – And adulthood is long and dry-humping in cars will wait. O Lord, break the Internet forever, that she may be spared the misspelled invective of her peers and the online marketing campaign for Rape Hostel V: Girls Just Wanna Get Stabbed. And when she one day turns on me and calls me a Bitch in front of Hollister, Give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends, For I will not have that Crap. I will not have it. And should she choose to be a Mother one day, be my eyes, Lord, that I may see her, lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50 A.M., all-at-once exhausted, bored, and in love with the little creature whose poop is leaking up its back. “My mother did this for me once,” she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby’s neck. “My mother did this for me.” And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will make a Mental Note to call me. And she will forget. But I’ll know, because I peeped it with Your God eyes. Amen.” -Tina Fey

Monday, September 19, 2011

B Y . . . WHO?

So . . . the BYU/Utah Game.

Definitely a different feel now that Utah and BYU aren't in the same conference or really rivals anymore.

We weren't planning on going down to Provo for the game this year (and truth be told, Mike was a little relieved that he didn't have to go), but then he was invited to a swankified dinner and given tickets to the game, so we went. (The dinner was Toscano's and we received some excellent door prizes; I got a beautiful and really soft Utah blanket and Mike got a Utah helmet, which he's having the team sign this week; for some reason I passed on the Utah bikini, nobody needs to see my stretch-marked butt in a bikini.) If you'll recall, the last time we went to Provo for the BYU/Utah game in 2009, this was my view the ENTIRE game: And, unfortunately, this year wasn't much better: Naturally, we had to sit behind the 3 most obnoxious freshman alive. I really wanted to pants the kid in the middle. Whoever told him that it's cute to wear skinny jeans, but then have your pants hang off your butt is seriously disturbed.

I'm sure you've all heard about the game by now. Needless to say, this was the crowd by the end of the 3rd quarter: Hmmm . . . way to support your team, BYU fans.

Since the game, all we've heard is how BYU handed the game to us. Like it was a gift.

Well, then, thanks for the 54-10 gift, BYU.

Eh, whatever. Hope you enjoy your independence, BYU.

Monday, September 12, 2011

Lucy's First Road Trip

This past weekend, Lucy experienced her first road trip. We went to Boise with the entire family (minus Jen, unfortunately) for a wedding. We used to go there all the time when my Grandparents were living there. We drove by their old house.
It's funny, but I chould have sworn that front gate was bigger. Other than that, it looks exactly the same. We all reminisced about the goods times we had with Grandma and Grandpa Hannaman. When we were kids, we spent an entire summer in Boise once. Lucky for us, the neighbors on one side had a pool and the neighbors on the other side had 6 kids.

We also went to visit the Grandparents. It was really hard to say the least. And that's all I'm going to say about that.

And then we went to the wedding. My "cousin," Little Linda (her mom's name is Linda too, so Big Linda and Little Linda) married a man in a kilt. The wedding was really fun. (Note to self: stilettos and grass don't mix. I think I spent the majority of the time trying to pull my (new!) shoes out of the ground.) And then disaster struck . . .

My dad was holding Lucy and, of course, she was sitting contentedly, smiling at everyone, and I was thinking to myself, "I should probably change her diaper soon."

When . . .

I noticed a "fountain" of sorts spraying my dad.

Seriously. It was a fountain. I saw the spurt.

Lucky for him, he was wearing dark pants, because the picture really doesn't do it justice. It was everywhere! (And by "it," I mean poop.) The poor guy! It was all down his lap and there was even a puddle on the chair. (I swear our kids wait until their Grandpa is holding them to shoot things out orifices. They throw up on him, poop on him, spit up on him, etc. And only him.) Lucy just laughed.
Poor Dad!

Then we came home. Lucy was really good in the car.
And the Utes lost their first PAC12 game to the USC Trojans 14-17.
Yes, Mike left the wedding to watch the game at a sports bar.

Which means he still owes me a dance.


Thursday, September 8, 2011

I like shoes.

And chocolate.

Friday, September 2, 2011

And So It Begins . . .

Utah's 1st PAC 12 Season. Utah beats Montana State 27-10.

Not too exciting of a game, considering the team really only played the 1st quarter.

Jordan Wynn was rather disappointing.
But Lucy had her game-face on:
Yes, she wears red on game day, even though she won't be attending a game for a very long time.